An Issue

First of all, I just want to say a big, big thank-you for all of you who came with me on my 31 Days challenge.  I am so grateful for your support, your reading of my sometimes-lame posts, and your comments and emails.  There was only one day out of the whole month that I missed posting!  That's pretty darn good, says I, since I didn't really think I'd succeed in making half the month.  So if it's possible for me to write something daily for a month, then it shouldn't be that hard to get something up once a week, right?  I should put myself on a schedule.  Maybe I'll put myself on a schedule.  Tuesdays.  Or Fridays.  Hm.

Ok, so the issue...

...goes like this:

My coworker is a Comparison-aholic.  He and I (and one other guy) share the daily flight load (but the other guy's ship is a little more limited than the two of ours', so he effectively doesn't count): I take a flight, he takes a flight, me next, then him, etc.  At the end of most days, he asks how much I flew.

Now, I'm not an idiot, I know what he's doing...he suspects that he gets flown more than I do and is therefore doing the lion's share of the work while I get preferential treatment (ie I get to sit around more, gag me), so he wants to compare scores and confirm his suspicions.  I, however, do not want to play into this game for a couple of reasons:
1. The dispatchers are doing the best they can, and no one can predict the little add-ins and extra work the fields will throw at us once we've left the base...it's not fair to them to get all testy and resentful over it.
2. I can't usually be bothered to check the clock and see how much time I had at the end of the day.  And...
3. I believe that, no matter the time involved, I do a better job with a better attitude than this guy anyway, and I don't want it lorded over me if I flew fewer minutes than him on whatever days that may be the case.

So what's the issue?  Do you see it?  Because my biggest issue is......number 3.

It's me.  It's my self-satisfied, self-righteous self.  It's my pride and my rights and me being offended.  Me.  And the trouble is...I know better, but I can't be better.   So what am I supposed to do?

I just finished Emily Freeman's Graceful (much like Grace for the Good Girl, but a bit shorter, some new insights, and geared towards teenagers).  Her whole premise can be very basically summed up as an answer to my issue:
You canNOT be better.  All you can do is believe...that His grace is sufficient, that He loves you, that you're only running your hardest in a hamster's wheel anyway, and trust me it's not getting you anywhere.  Your working to be better is not needed.  You have been set free, you don't need to prove anything.  Turn your eyes off your sorry-ass case, and into the face of God.  Believe.  Then and only then will you begin to be the better You that you know you can't be on your own...and it won't be because your reputation is at stake...it will only come about as the graceful result of love.  Love, trust, belief.  Pure and simple.

And hard.  Dangit.  I'm only glad...that at least I'm not a teenager anymore.  I may not have gotten all that much farther along since then, but at least I have a job now, so that's not hanging over me.  And I'm finally, finally beginning to believe the things I 'learned' in childhood.  Screwy, right?  I never at any point would have said I didn't believe those things...but I'm only now beginning to believe that they're true not just for salvation, for Heaven, but true now, here at work with this Compar-aholic coworker and my snobby self.  There is grace for me when I'm a total jerk, not just when I make it to church consistently, and not just when I have good motives.

And it's late now, and I'm at work.  I'm not really satisfied with this post, but I'm not going to put off posting it any longer or I'll just never post it.  Which is why I never thought 31 straight days of having to post would work.  Speaking of, YAY that that's Over! Thank you again for reading, everybody.